Top 10 Hawt Chicks I’d Bang… (If They Let Me.)
By Khalil Amani
Every once in a blue moon, many men think about celebrity chicks they’d like to have sex with. It’s probably the same with women, albeit they tend to not wanna be as brutally honest about guys they’d like to bone. They’ll soft-pedal it like, “Oh Denzel! (Giggle-giggle) He’s fine!”
The honest truth is that we men have a mental list of (famous) women that we’d like to have sex with, which vacillates daily, depending on the weather. They are, for all intents and purposes, unattainable, unreachable and far-removed from our mundane existence. Men have “fantasy football” and we have “fantasy freaks.” So here’s my list of “Top 10 Hawt Chicks” I’d bang… (if they let me.)
#10. Miss Universe (2011) Leila Lopes.
Miss Universe Leila Lopes is from Angola, Africa. This chick just came to my attention. She doesn’t have a killer body (I like my women on the thick/phat side), but she’s Miss Friggin’ Universe, supposedly the prettiest woman on the planet! What man wouldn’t wanna be known for fucking the prettiest piece of ass in the world? I’d do her just for bragging rights. “Yeah! I fucked the prettiest bitch in the world!” Exotic pussy is always a winner!
#9. Jill Scott.
Some of y’all are probably thinking, “Of all the women in the world, why does Khalil wanna holla at this fat chick?” I’ll tell you! I’m an equal opportunity lover. By the time you reach my age, you see things differently. Jill Scott stole my heart in Tyler Perry’s “Why Did I Get Married?” Ms. Scott has a very pretty face, luscious lips, eyes that capture your soul and “breasteses” that make a man wanna suckle like a newborn babe. I love it when a big ol’ chick like Jill mounts me and I can feel the full thrust of her weight coming down on me like a jackhammer. Jill needs to be made love to first and then banged until the sun comes up! When I finish sexing Jill Scott, I’ll wake up to a grits & eggs and a pancakes & sausage breakfast for my fine work the previous night. Fat girls rock in bed! How do I know? One of my top three lovers was a fat girl! That’s how I know!
#8. Pam Grier.
If you were a black teenage boy in the 70’s I need not write too much about her, but for you young folk, Pam Grier was every young black man’s pin-up fantasy! The first pair of titties I ever saw on the silver-screen was Pam Grier’s Double Ds—those “tig-ol’-biddies” were au naturale—hanging just above the allowable gravitational pull of the dreaded saggy titty syndrome. It’s because of Pam Grier that I love my women hairy between the thighs—Buckwheat-in-a-headlock hairy! V-shapes and landing-strips are nice, but there’s something so mysteriously/frighteningly/beautiful about a sista with a full bush of pubic hair that beckons the Motherland. Africa Revisited!
Known for her roles as Foxy Brown and Coffy, this blaxploitation queen made me go from peeing in the bed to goo-ing in my PJs. I’d fuck Pam Grier! I mean, I’d fuck the dog-shit out of Pam Grier and she would want nothing less than to be ravaged! Forget about love-making nigga! I’d bang Pam for every young dude that got a hard-on in class (thinking about her) and had to go to the chalk board bulging. In the bedroom, Pam would be my hoe, my slut, my bitch—everything but a Child-of-God and after the sex she’ll be my “ride or die” bitch, as we hit up the nightclub. Don’t get it twisted! I love her and I’ll kill over Pam Grier! And a nigga better not ever call my bitch a hoe!
R&B singer Ciara tops my bang list at number seven. I’d bang Ciara as an exercise regimen. Instead of doing crunches and aerobics, I’d put a stopwatch on that ass and see if I could increase my fucking by thirty-seconds each day. And to show her that the old man’s still hip, I’d lay butt-naked on the roof of a ’77 Cutlass and let her do that quadruple ass thrust thingy she does in the video on my cock. Our banging will be brutal! I’ll be all in her former business! “Is my dick bigger than 50 Cent’s?” The answer won’t really matter. What matters is that I got her doing some shit that 50 never had her doing.
When we’re not screwing we’d be painting the town as “star” and “sugar-daddy,” except that my broke-ass will have nothing to offer her but “hard dick and bubblegum and I’m fresh out of bubblegum!” Ultimately, peer pressure will make her leave me alone, but whenever she’s in Miami she’ll secretly rendezvous with me because she knows I’ll put tongue up in that ass like no other!
#6. NIcki Minaj
Fucking Nicki Minaj is a no-brainer. Y'all already know I'm a hip-hop fan from the word go, so it's only right that Khalil is bangin' the hawtest chick in da game. Duh! And since this girl seems to have multiple personalities, I wanna fuck each and every one of them. I know she likes dining at the "Y" (eating pussy), so that will be an added bonus to watch her muff-dive. Nicki has that "I-don't-give-a-fuck-about-a-nigga" swag and that's a turn-on. The average nigga would try to put handcuffs on her, but I’d let her run free. She's the kinda chick that would indulge the "bitch" in me and come home and tell me she just fucked my best friend and I'll play all hurt and shit, and then we'll have the best sex evaaar! Use me and abuse me and treat me like I'm your bitch. (A little role-reversal tain't never hurt nobody)
By night's end though, I'm all male, all man and I'm waxing that ass like it's the last piece I'm ever gonna get. She's taking all my "Super-bass." We agree that we can never be together, because she has a thing for bad boys, so we part ways knowing that if she calls, I'll be there for her.
#5 Marilyn Monroe.
Don’t front! Marilyn Monroe was a dime-piece! Add that to the fact that she was fucking the leader of the Free World, President John F. Kennedy—this chick knew that a “big butt and a smile” could take her a long way. While I was yet a baby, Marilyn was giving the world a taste of sexiness and sensuality to world leaders and foreign dignitaries. She knew secrets!
My motivation for fucking her is not just her sexy blue eyes, blond hair and heart-shaped ass. That’s a given. I wanna fuck Marilyn Monroe to infiltrate National Security! I wanna make her confess what’s really going on behind closed doors in Washington. While I’m plowing that poontang I’ll be asking her about what really happened in Roswell in 1948? Did a UFO really crash there? Does J. Edgar Hoover really cross-dress? Do you know the pass-codes to start WWIII? What was up with the Cuban Missile Crisis? How’d the fuck did we lose at the Bay of Pigs? Is there a “shadow government?" What about the Illuminati? What does JFK really think about Colored people? Trust me when I tell you Marilyn Monroe was murdered because that bitch knew too much! Her pussy was a walking computer!
Yes! I’ll bang that bitch in the spirit of Nat Turner! My cock will be truth serum to her and I’ll extract the information needed to save America from forces unseen. However pleasurable her vajay-jay may be, I’ll keep my “Eyes on the Prize.”
#4 Halle Berry.
It took some amount of thinking not to make Halle Berry my number one draft pick, but she's flawed just a tad bit. Halle Berry is the kind of chick that, if you brought her home to your girlfriend or wife and said, "Baby! Tonight we're having a ménage trois with Halle Berry!"—she'd beat you to the bedroom. I'm talking straight chicks! Halle Berry is one fine motherfucker! I used to say, "I'd drink Halle Berry's bath water!" (And probably still will) Halle Berry is the benchmark of beauty—a chick so fantastically put together that you'd have to search the bottom of her feet for flaws. But I just wonder—as fine as she is—with all her money and fame—having dated David Justice and Eric Benet and that model white guy—there must be something lacking in her fuck boudoir-game that she can't seem to keep a man. Maybe she's one of those pretty chicks who think that looks alone will make a man wanna continue to go hard in da paint. Khalil ain't that type of nigga though!
But still, she's the cream-of-the-crop! With Halle, she looks to be the falling-in-love-quick type of chick. She appears to be needy, which for many men is a major turn-off. If I had the chance to sleep with her I'd go straightway into the pussy—no foreplay the first time simply because she's probably used to a nigga getting all star-struck and trying to impress that ass. Nah! I'd act like all my ex-bitches were dime-pieces, but inwardly I'd be high-fiving my johnson. On our first romp in the sack Halle gets straight dick, no chaser! Gotta break her down and let her know there's a new sheriff in town and that I could give less than two-shits that you're "thee" Halle Berry.
Halle Berry gets the condom and before I shoot my wad I'll pull it off and skeet on her tits. This, I must do! The first time we fuck I'll be calling her "my bitch" and making her say "yes!" The neighbors will think we're having church with all the "call and response" going on.
When my mama used to beat my ass she'd say, "This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you!" That's how it will be the first time I boink Halle Berry. I will almost hate myself for treating her that way, but in the long run, she'll love me for bringing her back down to earth. The real Khalil will have wanted to show her that lover side, but the dawg in me has to set the boundaries and Halle's a chick that will be a real bitch if left unchecked. On our second romp in the sack I'll show her a more sensitive, caring, and compassionate side of Khalil. Halle looks like a wonderful kisser, so I'll be sure to stick plenty of tongue down her beautiful throat. And judging from her sex scene with that old ass Billy Bob Thornton in "Monster's Ball" she's an emotional lover who just might start crying when I make her cum. Chicks like Halle make me love them because of their need to feel loved and wanted. I love head-case sistas that have self-esteem issues and trust issues. Them bitches keep me in da pocket.
At the end of the day, I'll be just like Eric and David—a has-been lover who had to get off the Halle Berry train because she wanted more than I could give her.
#3. Rosario Dawson
I would never fuck Rosario Dawson! Hell no! But I would damn sho' make love to her! She's my number three draft pick and the total package (as far as I can tell). Sistas! Don't hate because she ain't black! She's black enough! There's something about Latina women and Miss Dawson is one fine specimen of Latina heat. She is insatiable! Those lips—WOW! Like the character "Sunshine" in "Harlem Nights"; "Tell your mother I ain't never comin' home!" That's what I'll be feeling when I meet Rosario Dawson.
I first spied Rosario Dawson in the movie "Men In black," but it wasn't until I saw her in "Seven Pounds" that she stole my heart as a young woman who desperately needed a heart transplant. Again, those luscious lips spewed across the silver-screen gave me a hard-on from here to eternity!
What would I do on our first night of lovemaking? Kiss! That's it. I'd kiss her until there was no more saliva to ingest! I'd search her soul through her mouth and bask in the scent of her breath. I'd lick her lips, her nose, her face, her neck—I'd lick every inch of her frame and then tuck her in for the night.
In the morning, we'd kiss again and then go about our daily business. That night, I'd plan a romantic dinner and afterwards, take her to my room. This time it's serious business. I wanna play Battleship—I lay down and she blows me to smithereens! I wanna feel those thick juicy lips enveloped around my dick! Our foreplay will be a thing of beauty and wonderment. Sixty-nine never felt so good! Rosario will follow my lead and then take over. Like a good Latina lover, she will mount me and ride me like the Lone Ranger rides Silver! (Did I mention that she has a bush between her legs?) After she does all that she can do I will take back the reigns of control and hit it from every imaginable/conceivable position—Missionary, doggy, hanging off the bed. Our lovemaking will culminate into animalistic fucking—womb shifting—banging—splitting her down to the white meat! I will fuck her until she starts speaking Spanish—"Rico papi, Ti amo papi!! Aye, mucho, grande pinga papi!" I won't know what the fuck she's saying, but it's about to make me blow my wad. I will start to cum and instantaneously, she will follow suit.
Rosario Dawson is that chick! Marriage material! I'll give her a baby any day of the effin' week!
Everything I ever wanted in a woman I'll find in Ms. Dawson.
#1 & #2 Sarah Palin & Michele Bachman.
Now hold on and wait just one friggin’ minute! I know I’ve been talking about sticking my dick up some of the finest women in the world and now you wanna know how on earth did these two women end up with the first and second spots on my lists of chicks I’d like to bang. Let me explain.
From a sexual point of view, Sarah Palin and Tea Party presidential hopeful Michele Bachman are certifiable M.I.L.F.s (i.e. Mothers I’d Love to Fuck—for those of you who’ve been under a pop-jargon acronym rock). But beyond their middle-aged good looks lies a deeper, more sinister reason for putting these two chicks on the top of my fuck list.
I’m pretty sure that if I fuck these two bitches I can rid (sane) America of the threat of having one of these bimbos lead the free world. As it stands, I just heard that Palin was taking some big black donkey dick from a former NBA player during his college years, but we haven’t seen the proof. All I need is for some high fah-lootin’ Democrat to fund my altruistic mission to catch these hoes slippin’ and slip some python up in them. I just need a HD camera, a few hidden mics and the money to follow them around on their campaign trails.
I’ll get the footage of both of them in the heat of passion saying some of the most outlandish, racist shit ever and end their bids for the presidency. I ain’t gonna lie. I might really get it off on Sarah Palin’s dumb ass. I’d make her keep those glasses on. As a matter of fact, I’d make her keep her whole business attire on and just raise up her skirt and bend her over my Chevy and ask her, “Whose pussy is this?”I’d make Michele Bachman renounce her Tea Party ties and get behind Obama’s candidacy.
See how patriotic Khalil is? Now that’s “taking one for the team!” Ask me next week to give you a new list and I guarantee it’ll be different, because there’s so much celebrity poontang that I’d love to bang. I think I’ll start on that next list right now!