“Top 10 Fat Chicks I’d Bang… If They Let Me!”
By Khalil Amani
Some might want me to use the words “plus-size” or “pleasingly plump” or “big girl” or “full figured” to be politically correct, but I’m not on those phat euphemisms. Let’s keep it real! Fat chicks rock! Guys sometimes be dissing a fat woman openly because they think they have an image to uphold to the fellas, yet, in the midnight hour they will slide right on over to a fat girl’s house for some of the best sex evaaar! (And a turkey & cheese sandwich with some red Kool-Aid) Some guys get it twisted! Fat does not equate to ugly! Thus, I’d rather screw a fat pretty girl over a fine ugly girl, but that’s just me.
There’s no question in my mind that if I were very wealthy (like Playboy’s Hugh Hefner) I’d have a few pretty-ass fat girls in my staple, because I know the value and worthy of a piece of fat poonanny. Have you ever known a fat woman that couldn’t burn in the kitchen? Not I! I’d tell my fat girlfriends that they better not lose one iota of adipose—not nary tissue!
For a lot of dudes, especially these 20-something-physically-fit-walking-pieces-of-protoplasm; a woman has to be in shape. Her body-fat must be little to none. I used to be on that too, but somewhere around a man’s mid-thirties—somewhere around that age when his body starts to sag and the love-handles appear—he recognizes that he can’t be as picky and choosy as he once was. Some might think that it’s “lowering one’s standards,” but I’d rather think of it as “broadening one’s horizons” and “expanding one’s world-view” (no puns intended).
I’ve boinked a lot of women in my day—from the hoodrat all the way up to the model and along the way, I’ve sexed every body-type imaginable—from the skinny waif to the pleasingly-plump to the downright fat, but I’d have to say that at least two fat chicks were in my top five lays of all-time.
The point being that it isn’t always about the physical aesthetics.
There’s just something about rolling over (and over and over) on seemingly endless mounds of flesh. The other thing about fat chicks are that they aren’t all bottomless pits like some of these skinny chicks. They can make an average size man feel very well-endowed! They are tight and shallow. This is where the fat chick can one-up the skinny chick. She has meat and when she’s on top of you, you know she’s on top of you, which brings me to my “Top 10 Fat Chicks I’d Bang” list of famous felines that can get it from Khalil Amani. Drumroll please!
#10. Gabourney Sidibe
Fame has brought her to my attention. She’s not someone that I would take a second look at. I don’t think she’s pretty by any stretch of the imagination. Her portrayal of “Precious” doesn’t help her either, but if I were, say, at an industry party and we were getting shit-faced drunk and chatting it up and the night was coming to an end, I might think about giving her the Baloney-Pony. If you see me on the Red Carpet as her date, it’s a safe bet that that’s what happened and while you might be hatin’ on a nigga for being with this aesthetically-challenged, overweight-lover—I’ll be sipping on “champagne wishes and caviar dreams” while you’re sitting at home eating Top Ramen.
#9. Kirstie Alley
Kirstie Alley was one fine mofo back-in-da-day. Her weight fluctuates from year to year, depending on how much of that Jenny Craig shit she ingests. But I like the thicka-than-a-snicka big-body she sports between life-changing events. Dress her up and she is one tall drink of water! She’s like a white-black girl with all that height and attitude. You already know what I wanna do to her—I’ll beat da pussy up, up, up, up!
#8. Sherri Shepherd
You know this chick from “Dancing with the Stars” and “The View.”This comedienne gets the number eight spot because Khalil likes funny chicks with bubbly personalities. Like some fat girls, she doesn’t look like she can really ride a dick and might be a complainer if I go too deep, but for Sherri, I’d back off if she promises to introduce me to Whoopi Goldberg when I’m in New York.
#7. America Ferrera
By now you should already know that Khalil loves those sexy Latinas (living in Miami and all…). None is sexier than “Ugly Betty’s” America Ferrera! Yeah, yeah, she’s slimmed down tremendously, but take her off her regimen of white folk food and she’ll revert back to her fat/phat self. America is your classic fat beauty and when you have the fame and the money—the beauty is enhanced and the fat is lessened. Sex with Ugly Betty would be great! Those fat Honduran hips and lips will wreak havoc on my jimmy! And after I give her my milk leche she’ll gladly hook us up some frijoles negros.
#6. Queen Latifah
Before you say it I already know! She likes chicks! Perhaps this year’s performance at Long Beach Pride (a gay event) will be her “official” coming-out party. But until then… Khalil has to have a hip-hop fat girl on the list (No way, no how could I see myself sexing Missy Elliot!). Latifah and I would be soooooo compatible! She likes chicks and I like chicks! Rarely would we have sex because we’d always be in the club pulling girls to bring back to the crib to hunch. If by chance we did screw, it would be on some reminiscing about the girl we just banged. She’s gone now, so what-the-hey!Take off them bubble-gum drawhs and let’s do the nasty my Queen!
British soul singer Adele is a fat-mama I’d love to bang! But before we fuck she’s gotta sing her greatest hits and then whisper sweet-nothings in my ear with that British accent. Adele proves that sexy is as sexy does. It ain’t always about the waistline. Like really, when you’ve got a voice as soulful as her's, who really gives a shit about a few extra pounds? If I were Adele’s boy-toy I’d tell her to pack it on and eff the haters! She must have a white boyfriend because she’s on that skinny ish. But I know the real Adele! She’s a fatty with a phatty!
#4. Jennifer Hudson
Watch-Watchers got J-Hud all fine and shit! Hell naw! Give me that “Dream Girls” Jennifer—the chick with the underarm cellulite—the fat-faced cutie from American Idol! Real men want real women with real curves! I can appreciate her sleek physique, but we know the real woman behind the diet. She’s a fat girl who can sing and act her ass off. That’s the chick I wanna bang—the fat girl who’ll complain because I have mad-stamina between the sheets and the room is too hot after an hour of bumpin’ uglies—the fat chick who doesn’t know the difference between period-panties and Victoria Secretions—you know her! She’s country as fuck! J-Hud just wants to be loved. She went and married that buffed-up wrestling Negro, because she knows that once she gets tired of eating that Weight-Watchers crap she’ll need a man strong enough to pick her butt up. I might not be able to pick her up, but I sure as hell can roll her over!
#3. Jill Scott
Jill Scott is rare! She’s the only chick that makes my list twice (see Top 10 Hawt Chicks I’d Bang…If they let me). She was on my finest list and she’s on my fat list, which makes her double fuckable. I’m an equal opportunity lover. By the time you reach my age, you see things differently. Jill Scott stole my heart in Tyler Perry’s “Why Did I Get Married?” Ms. Scott has a very pretty face, luscious lips, eyes that capture your soul and “breasteses” that make a man wanna suckle like a newborn babe. I love it when a big ol’ chick like Jill mounts me and I can feel the full thrust of her weight coming down on me like a jackhammer. Jill needs to be made love to first and then banged until the sun comes up! When I finish sexing Jill Scott, I’ll wake up to a grits & eggs and pancakes & sausage breakfast for my fine work the previous night. Fat girls rock in bed! How do I know? One of my top five lovers was a fat girl! That’s how I know!
#2. Oprah Winfrey
When you’re worth a billion dollars you look good to me! Steadman must be gay or has bad business acumen. Marrying Oprah is a business move of megalithic proportions! Y’all can have the skinny Oprah! Fat Oprah looks healthier to me. I don’t really know what her fuck boudoir-game is like. She looks like she’d be quite boring and so unimaginative in the sack, but thinking about her billion dollars would keep my pecker erect and my tongue wet. When she says “eat”—I’ll eat. When she says “cum”—I’ll cum. It will always be about Oprah until I steal her heart and get that ring on my finger and then I’ll flip-da-script by bringing home a Latina hottie half her age and tell her I hired a cleaning lady. Surely, I’ll “have my cake and eat it too.” And if me and the cleaning lady get caught doing the nasty I’ll holler, “Half! I want half your shit!” (In my Eddie Murphy Delirious voice) She will retort, “He wasn’t with me shootin’ in da studio! He wasn’t with me shootin’ in da studio!” (In her Rick Ross voice) You already know Khalil “Stay Schemin’” on dat ass ‘cause she treated me like a commodity.
#1. Mrs. Santa Claus
Yes! I wanna bang Mrs. Santa Claus! This will be some freaky-type motherly sex. She’s gonna indulge my Oedipus Complex and feed me hot chocolate and cookies after I nut. While Santa is delivering toys to good boys and girls around the world I’ll be using my toy on Mrs. Santa—giving her what she’s been missing from Ol’ Saint Nick the Non-Dick. I’ll be happy to be one of Santa’s little helpers by helping his wife with her dick problem. And I’ll play and play and play with that ponnanny so much that Santa will wonder why I never play with the toys those elves made. Why play with Barbie when I can play with your wife?
So guys, get over yourselves and get you a fat girl! You'll be pleasantly surprised! Fat chicks rock!
Khalil Amani writes for DJ Kayslay's Orginators & Straight Stuntin Magazine. Also for Maybach Magazine & Sext. Follow on Facebook & Twitter @khalilamani.