Hip-hop/Spirituality/Freethinking. Speaking for all underdogs!
*My father, now deceased went to his grave, never coming to terms with his parenting nor reconciling our relationship. This is one of several letters I wrote him, argry, yet cogently written to express my pain, even at 48 years of age. My gift to you, that you may find whatever you need to move on.
“Honor thy father and mother.”—Exodus 20:12
“Fathers, Provoke not your children to anger.”—Colossians 3:21
“…how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but until seventy times seven.”—Matthew 18:21-22.
If we all lived by these scriptures, we’d have a great relationship! How can the children “honor their father and mother” when the father is always provoking the children to anger? From as early as I can remember, you have provoked me to anger by the way you treated me, my siblings and my mother! Yet, you are seeking an apology from me? Apology for what? Exposing you as a crude and rude father?
If you truly want to make amends with me, you’ve started out wrong from the jump! First, and foremost, my legal name is Khalil Amani. How disrespectful to address me by any other name than what I choose to be called! This is why I call you Lee! (Because you are an ignorant son-of-a-bitch that thinks he can disrespect me, while asking me to “apologize!”). But you’re gonna continue to write to “Lloyd” and I’m going to continue to tell you to kiss my ass as long as you choose to be disrespectful! I don’t give a damn what name I was born with! This is who I am today! Do you think multimillionaire, world famous Muhammad Ali’s father still calls him Cassius Clay, while the entire world calls him Muhammad Ali? As long as you continue to address me as “Lloyd”—that’s how long we shall be estranged! Stop being ignorant!
You know something Lee? You don’t have a clue about reconciliation, love, reciprocity, or validation! Throughout your letter, the only thing you want is for me to apologize to you (as if I’m in the wrong and you’re in the right! How laughable!) (The proof is in the pudding! How many of your children are close to you? Maybe one—Dean! And he’s just a spineless, mindless son who really doesn’t care one way or the other! A peacekeeper if you will.)
Me saying “I’m sorry” two years ago had nothing to do with saying that I was wrong to you! How twisted your mind works! I simply meant that “I’m sorry” that things are like they are between us. I’m not sorry for any words or letters I’ve written! I speak truth! It is you who needs to apologize to each one of your children!
You need to apologize to Larry for calling him a “drug addict” just because he smoked a little reefer back in the day! You need to apologize to Michelle for calling her a prostitute when she was a teenager! You need to apologize to me for calling me a “devil.” You need to apologize to all of us for having to watch our mother get beat under a table in Germany and further beaten in Miami! You need to apologize for never, ever being interested in your children, as we participated in many activities growing up! You need to further apologize to me for the whipping you gave me for playing “footsies” in the bed with my sister! You need to apologize to Larry for destroying his bicycle with a hatchet, because he was tired of you beating up on our mother and pulled a knife on your ass! You, Lee, need to apologize for the senseless ass-whipping you gave me, Lee Jr., and Larry for throwing paper helicopters out of the window in Germany! Harmless child’s play! You think we forgot about that shit? Fuck no! You, Lee, are the problem! Not any of your children! How the fuck can you expect to have “family unity” when you never were close to your children! Children are close to their parents because they were RAISED and NURTURED that way! Ain’t no grown-ass trying to get close to a man that never showed any love or affection when he was a child! Get a fuckin’ clue! Lee Jr. is showing you your parenting by not wanting anything to do with your ass! Now your old ass wants “family” and “unity.” Fuck that! “As you sow, so shall you reap!”
Nothing that me and Larry have ever said or done to you can match the tyranny of our childhoods! You were a mean man! And you are still mean to your present wife and those around you! But you want an apology from me? You’re an old fool!
If you recall, the last correspondence between us was a letter written by you, in which you called me “the devil,” “evil,” and “sick.” Remember Lee Roy? A twenty-seven (27) page diatribe-polemic-argument-rant against me, which was so despicable, that I could hardly believe a father could say those things to the seed in which he bore! Accompanied by pictures of my ex-wives, you sought to deconstruct my life (as though you are some fucking relationship expert! Clean up your own raggedy-ass house first!) and show how I “used” each one of those women and how I will eventually “use” my present wife. You went on to insinuate that I couldn’t afford my big beautiful house (and a Mercedes Benz that is paid for) and that my wife must be the “bread-winner.” Oh how wrong you are!
(*Discounting the fact that I work two jobs and have written six books, which, by the way, are bought by people all over the fucking world! My books are on the shelves of college religious professors and my essays are all over the Internet [Google …that means search the Internet for Khalil Amani!] and my work is in a college professor’s recently published anthology! The Black Church Hip Hop Culture and the Dilemma of Generational Divide, by Professor Emmett G. Price III, Ph.D. at Northeastern University, which features pieces by twenty-two widely-regarded theologians, ministers, practitioners and activists, including your son! This is the second college professor to VALIDATE your son, but you’re still on that “what would people think about me if they read my son’s books bullshit!” You wouldn’t know anything about your son’s greatness because you’re an old country-ass backwards thinking uncle-Tom (I bet you voted for McCain) Negro, who’s more concerned about what others think about his son’s books, than validating your son! I’m way passed wishing you would validate me, because I realize that you’re an ignorant fuck! What was I thinking? So fuck you on that!)
Your letter was so vile, nasty, wretched and so full of venom that I had no words to respond! It was the coup de grace (final blow)! Our relationship is forever severed! For how can I have a relationship with a man that thinks his seed is the “devil?” And if I am the devil, guess who spawned me? You!
Do I forgive you? Absolutely! Will I apologize? Fuck no! It is YOU who are wrong and as long as you see it your way you might as well carry it to the grave! I’m at peace with you.
As for bringing you flowers to my mother’s grave site (or whatever the hell you were trying to say, because your writing is horrible!), that would be a negative! And I don’t need a map to find my mother’s grave! Unbeknownst to you, I visit my mother’s grave when I’m in Miami and I know EXACTLY where my mother rests!
You try to write a letter as though you are making an amendment to “your” constitution. You want me to “read between the lines.” Your writing-style is cold, clinical, and pseudo (false) intellectualism. You haven’t a clue how to speak your heart to your own child.
Nowhere in your letter did I feel an inkling of remorse or love! Nowhere in your letter do you say you love me! You can’t even end your letter with, “love dad!” Family unity? We’ve NEVER had such a thing, so why now? Because you are in the twilight of your years and want to go to your grave a winner? You can never “win” if you can never truly love! This “mean world” (as you call it) hasn’t beaten me down! It’s beaten you down! I’m hopeful, optimistic, full of love, and ever-learning and growing! You’ve got children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren that you will never know because of the kind of person that you are.
If the natural order of events occur (you dying before me), indeed, I will attend your funeral. Not because I love you or because you were a good father! Nay! I will attend your funeral because I believe in “Honor Thy Father and Mother.” I will attend your funeral—not because you are my father, but rather out of respect for God’s Order as He/She has prescribed! I will attend your funeral out of respect for the office which was entrusted to you—that of the Office of Fatherhood, which you so miserably failed at. And lastly, I will attend your funeral so that I can listen to the preacher lie about the kind of father, husband and man you were. I should wear wading boots, because I’ll be up to my ears in hearing lying bullshit!
I don’t want your apology. I don’t want a relationship with you! Don’t ask God to have mercy on my soul! Ask Him to have mercy on your soul, because the “god” that you serve is full of shit, if you think your children should apologize to you! Tell your “god” I said, “Fuck you!” And by the way, when did you start believing in God? You certainly never mentioned His name (Yahweh) or His Son’s Name (Jesus) when we were growing up! Now you want to play the “religious card?” Fuckin’ hypocrite! I pity your poor soul!