Hip-hop/Spirituality/Freethinking. Speaking for all underdogs!
A Blogger: Top 10 Rappers I Think I Can Beat Up!
By Khalil Amani
(Khalil Amani, hip-hop's oldest blogger)
50 Cent could kick my arse! The Game would beat the brakes off me and Maino would slap fire out of my bitch-ass—put the “Hand of God” on me! And that Trick Trick--dude looks so crazy that I'd prolly faint if he stepped to me! Tru’ dat! I know my limitations, unlike many of these rappers frontin’ like they can fight. I think I can beat up some of these rappers.
I’ve only had one legitimate fight in my entire life—at age 27 when some Mexican tried to get at my girlfriend by cat-calling her, walking back and forth in front of our apartment window and then finally knocking on the door. I wasn’t home, but when I got home and saw the terror in my girl’s eyes I had to handle my business. The next day I suited up in some gym shorts, a wife-beater and my weight-lifting gloves with the fingers out—straight MMA-style. When I saw this Mexican-fuck walk by my window I ran out and confronted him—my girlfriend and a bunch of other random apartment hood-rats in tow. Oh my Gawd! I stomped that motherfucker out—left-hook, overhand right, left foot, right foot! I played rat-ta-tat-tat on his whole being—put dude in the cherry bushes! I totally spazzed out—unaware of the screams from my bitch that, “that’s enough baby!” Ain’t nobody tested my gangsta since 1987!
There seems to be a trend in hip-hop/rap. Niggas fighting and testing each other’s gangsta. The Game whipping 40 Glocc’s ass. 50 Cent’s goons dish-ragging Gunplay. Gucci Mane challenging any and all rappers to go fisticuffs with him. Ricky Rozay and Young Jeezy flexing. Hip-hop has become a seething cauldron of testosterone! So I got to thinking, “I wonder which rappers I could prolly beat up?” Even though I’m probably hip-hop’s oldest blogger (in the words of Troi Torain aka Star & Bucwild, “I’m a man of a certain age”—52 to be exact!), I can still fight a little bit. How funny would it be to see my old-ass slap your favorite rapper—me, a pencil-neck geeky blogger!
So I came up with my list of the “Top 10 Rappers I Think I Can Beat Up!”
Granted. My list isn’t that impressive, seeing how I’m old enough to be some of your favorite rapper’s daddy—and the fact that I’m a little nigga—5’7” 190 lbs. But don’t let this old-ass dude fool ya! I can still use my dick-beaters (fists) to get some straightenin’. Just because I used to wear a G-string like The Game and strip for the ladies—just because I graduated from college with a degree in English doesn’t mean I have no squab! Again, I think I can fight a little bit. So here’s my list of the “Top 10 Rappers I Think I Can Beat up.”
He’s a really skinny nigga. Too light in the ass to stay with me! I’ll walk through his punches like I’m Godzilla.
#9. Wiz Khalifa
Another light-in-the-ass-rapper. He smokes too much weed to have any real wind if the fight goes beyond two-minutes. I’d let him get his shit off on me like he’s waxing Amber Rose and when he’s spent his load—when Amber starts begging for a second round of dick, that’s when I’d attack that nigga! Fuck “Black & Yellow!” That nigga will be “black & blue” when I finish lumping him up!
#8. Shyne Po
I just wanna fight him for G.P.—General Principle! This nigga has too much mouf! What does he weight? Like 150? I’ll ball his ass up and roll him somewhere! “This is for Kendrick!” This nigga doesn’t know if he wants to be Hillel the Elder or Alpo the snitchin’-ass Harlemite! After I get this nigga subdued in a headlock, I’m pulling out the clippers and giving him a dignified haircut! I’m gonna stomp his black hat, rip his Jew-coat off of him and strip him “bucket-naked” and put him in some hood-accoutrement. Now go on with your rap career! Mozel tov!
#7. 40 Glocc
Big Bad 4-0's hoe-card has been pulled! Game pulled down his pants and exposed his teenie weenie phallus dick. Now 40 Glocc might be able to still whip my ass, but I saw a chink in his armor. In his fight with Compton Menace and his “fight” with Game I noticed that he fights with his head down. The nigga beez wind-milling like those gay dudes around the way. When I fight him, I’m gonna keep my head up, chin tucked, and bob & weave. If 40 dips his head, as he bull-rushes me, I’ll side-step him and give him my best overhand right! Then I’ll give him some MMA knees, since he likes looking at the ground when he’s scrapping. I just might win in a fight against 40 Glocc!
#6. Lil Reese
I just wanna stomp him out for every woman whose ever been hit by a man! Again, he’s another light-weight nigga whose strength comes through the barrel of a gun. I wanna know if the chick he stomped out has a daddy—or some brothers—or some male cousins? That nigga ain’t supposed to be walking upright as Homo erectus! Yes! I’d fight him to the deaf! I’ll put some “old man strenph” (no typo!) on his ass! He’s getting the Boston-Crap and the figure-four leg-lock! I’m mos def World-Starrin’ his ass! Grab ya cameras!
#5. Byron Crawford.
Well he’s no rapper, but he feigns part of the hip-hop body-politic by viciously blogging for XXL Magazine against many of your favorite rappers. This nigga has blogged about me 6-times, claiming I’m an “Aids-Ridden D/L Brotha.” I don’t have AIDS and I’m not on the D/L. I just rep gay rappers because I can! Fuck what you heard! But this fat-fuck—he’s prolly 200 lbs. heavier than me, so I’ll just dance around him, pot-shotting him with jabs until he tires. Then I’ll move in with knee kicks. Once he buckles over and falls to one knee, he’s getting pummeled! I’m gonna treat him like MMA fighter Pat Smith did Butter Bean! He won’t be able to stand! I’m gonna rain blows on his head for Bun B, Kayslay, Kanye West, Lupe Fiasco, Joe Budden and vixen Ashley Logan. Ol' shit-talkin' ass Negro!
#4. Charlamagne Tha God
(Charlamagne Tha God & Khalil Amani)
Another dude who’s no rapper, but a radio personality. I like him, but after seeing him break a sub 10-second 100 meters I think I can take him! All I need to do is catch him in a South Beach Miami club and Hologram some goons behind me Tupachian-Coachella-style and that nigga will get ghost! I will have won by default.
#3. Lil Wayne, Baby & Lil Chuckee
These are some lil niggas! Need I say more?
#2. Lil B
I wanna fight Lil B out of pure hateration. I’m jealous that he gets so much pussy and niggas be offering up their chicks for him to bang. After I beat up Lil B I want half of his shit! Half of his money and half of his hoes! When I drop him I’m not gonna make him cry “Monkey’s Uncle.” Nay! I need him to holler, “Khalil’s the new Based God! You can fuck all my bitches!”
#1. Bushwick Bill
In case the previous nine rappers beat my ass, I’ll beat Bushwick Bill’s little ass so that I don’t go 0-10! He can shin kick me with his little tiny feet and poke me in my ding-dong all he wants! I’m picking him up and straight body-slamming his monkey ass! My mind may have been playing tricks on me—talking all reckless about the previous nine, but I’ll be damned if I let a little person beat me up! And if, by some stroke of luck this little fella gets the drop on me I'll appeal to his new-found Christian faith and beg him to "turn the other cheek." As soon as he does, I'm sucker-punching him into the Resurrection! I'm winning this fight by hook or crook!
So you see, the old man’s got some scrap—at least in my very vivid imagination. I’ll kick some "hypothetical," "theoretical" ass! And if any of you niggas confront me in the club I’ll hide behind DJ Kayslay’s big ass (pause) and stick my tongue out at you! And if you catch me in the street I’ll fall out and go into my best African “Michael Blackson” accent and scream, “Please don’t hit me! I’m just a beech-ass blogger!” Until then, please believe that I can beat up some of these rappers.
Ps. Honorable mentions asswhippings goes to Bow Wow, Soulja Boy, Diggy Simmons, Tyler the Creator, Mac Miller, and any rapper 18 and under.
(Dj Kayslay & Khalil Amani)
Khalil Amani writes for DJ Kayslay's "Originators" & "Straight Stuntin Magazines." Also writes for Hoodgrown Magazine, Maybach Magazine. Follow on Twitter at Khalilamani.