Hip-hop/Spirituality/Freethinking. Speaking for all underdogs!
Bry’Nt: Proof That Not Only Us Old Guys Wear Depend!
By Khalil Amani
Yes! Gay blogger Mickey Skillz is old and in hip-hop thinking, I’m ancient! But goddamnit! We don’t need Depend (an adult diaper for old people who can’t control their body fluids) to keep from wetting the bed! Our bladders still work. We can still get up in the middle of the night and
drain the lizard take a piss and still know when we are about to take a shit have a bowel movement.
(The underwear that keeps your pissing/shitting at bay!)
But still, I’ve stocked up on Depend for that inevitable day when “real” old age comes-a swooping down on me like stink on shit. I’m ready for that day when I go to fart and I lose my bowels—Hershey shit-stains and doo-doo droppings in my drawhs! I’m gonna be ready! I’ve got my children lined up and ready to wipe my old crusty ass when that day comes.
I’m stocking up on Depend like those racist crackas in Montana are stockpiling weapons—like Armageddon and the Seven Year Tribulation is upon us! No, really!
So I get this email about a video, which is supposedly “exposing” gay rapper Bry’Nt (again). I mean, really, after what J.r. “The King of Gay Music” did to him—showed that it was Bry’Nt’s manager that was riding J.r.’s dick to do a collab instead of the other way around, what else could Bry’Nt have done?
(Gay Rapper Bry'Nt)
I listened to this interview, which is titled “Is He On Your Level?” Bry’Nt and two other (obviously) gay dudes are standing on a New York sidewalk talking about relationships. Quite frankly, I was rather bored with the cheesy banter until I realized that there was some personal shit going down. It became apparent to me that the interviewer and Bry’Nt were lovers of some sort and that the interviewer/ex-lover was the one that felt slighted by their relationship, claiming that Bry’Nt is not a good communicator and an “okay lover.” Dayum! I wish a chick would call me an “okay lover” to my face! Oh hell-to-the-nah! Talk about putting someone on blast! Talk about putting someone’s business on front-street! Bry’Nt was getting straight sonned by his scorned (ex?)-lover.
It all started with the interviewer/ex-lover asking, “What if he doesn’t communicate?” Instantly, Bry’Nt retorted, “Cut the camera off!” That’s when I took an interest in what they were saying. A nerve had been touched—Bry’Nt’s! Bry’Nt followed up saying, “You know what? I’m not going there with you today”—solidifying that, indeed, this was some personal dirty laundry being washed before our eyes. “Spill the Tea! Spill the tea!” I’m thinking. (Gay jargon for “tell the truth” or something like that.)
Shit was fun-ny! The interviewer’s/ex-jump-off's
sidekick co-host, a good-looking black-ass very swarthy and comely gentleman with beautiful flowing hair had me in stitches! He was the interviewer’s cosigner, as they double-teamed Bry’Nt and put his bit-ness in the streets.
At one point during the “interview,” Bry’Nt had to answer his cell phone, which raised the ire of the interviewer/ex-butt buddy, causing him to say, “We’re trying to do a show and he’s on the phone!” reinforcing Bry’Nt’s non-communicative skills (and kinda like how he was at the Kayslay show, texting while we were in the studio about to go live).
But the coup de grace (Bry’Nt’s death blow) came when the interviewer (who has now established himself as BryN’t’s
ex-jump-off ex-lover went on a rant, providing us with a litany of things he did to try and make their relationship work. He said, “I walked that dog! I helped him clean his ass! I helped clean up when he peed in the bed!”
But hold on! Stop the motherfucking presses! Did he just say Bry’Nt pees the bed? Did I just hear that dude say he wipes BryN’t’s ass? I like the kid! Bry’Nt is a cool motherfucker! I really like what he represents. But WTF?
Now admittedly, I “peed the bed” until I was eleven-and-a-half. I remember, quite vividly, the day I stopped peeing in the bed. I woke up one morning, dry as the desert, and thought to myself, “Finally! I stopped peeing on myself and my little brother!” (We poor folk slept two-to-a-bed.) We didn’t have Depend in 1971. Mama used to take some plastic and put on the mattress to keep us from peeing up our mattresses. Every time you changed positions in the bed, you could hear that plastic loud as fuck! But it still didn’t wake me up enough to go use the bathroom.
Rewind! Rewind! Rewind!
At first I thought the interviewer/ex-sexual tryst/ex-blast-off at 2am was talking about their dog peeing in the bed, but Bry’Nt’s reaction was like he’d just been exposed as the “Pee-the-Bed-Boy.” It didn’t help that Bry’Nt got ghost with the camera and the beautifully coiffed co-host looked into the camera and said, “You peed in the bed boy?” Lol! Was he referring to the dog peeing in the bed or Bry’Nt peeing in the bed? Help me out! Was the interviewer/ex-cut buddy talking about cleaning the dog’s ass or cleaning Bry’Nt’s ass? I’m just askin’.
Being an old guy, on the verge of wearing Depend, for some strange reason I immediately thought, “I wonder if these gay guys with loose booty-holes wear Depend like old people.”
Like, is it sexy for a gay dude to wear Depend to bed, so that he won’t tinkle or “Prairie Dog” on his lover in the midnight hour?
All I know is we old guys have Depend if we can’t hold our body fluids in the midnight hour. Shouldn’t these young gay cats wear Depend, because their “butt muskells” are loose?
Being a straight dude—like, does there ever come a time when a bottom’s
booty-hole sphincter muscle give out? Are there times when a fart elicits a little moistness? (Even straight people sometimes poo-poo when they fart and be like, “I thought it was just gas! I done fucked around and shitted on myself!”) Does a big dick loosen the elasticity of the sphincter muscle? Having studied anatomy & physiology, I know that the sphincter muscle is the only voluntary and involuntary muscle in the body.
I plead ignorance! I think I’m gonna hang out in the drug store and do a survey of people buying Depend. Up until now I thought Depend were for old people, but I could see where a bottom might need them.
I had Bry’Nt pegged as top. He looks like he “gets it in” between the sheets! (But what do I know?) Watching that show has me thinking that he’s a bottom—getting ripped the fuck up—so-much-so that his ex-lover has to wash his ass and got him peeing in the bed.
If I didn’t learn anything from that video I learned that not only us old guys wear Depend!
Bry’Nt! Dawg! If you’re reading this—what’s the deally yo? Like ever since you and Lasto came up with “No Replies in 2010” heads have been defecating on you—Prince Cat-Eyez, J.r. The King of Gay Music and now your jump-off? Can I suggest a catchphrase in 2011? “We Dissin’ Errybody in 2011!”
*The views expressed in this blog are not Khalilamani.ning.com's, but rather Khalil Amani's and are expressed as satire and entertainment and should be viewed such. Any gay rapper not laughing at this can eat a dick some pussy!