Getting P.H’ed. (Perez Hiltoned!)
By Khalil Amani
Blogging can be hazardous to your health! Take blogger Perez Hilton for example. He recently got mollywopped! This fat gay dude ruffles a lot of Hollywood feathers. He’s making tons of money trashing Hollywood’s elite. It’s a great thing to be able to express your opinions for the entire world to read and dump on people, especially people who need to be dumped on, but woe unto that blogger when he encounters the celebrity he’s dissed—especially if he’s a rapper! Freedom of Speech and Freedom of the Press become theoretical arguments constructed by some racist white men from ages gone by who had no vision of something that would connect people all over the world—the Internet!
(Gay celebrity blogger Perez Hilton after his beat-down)
The Founding Fathers didn’t see this day!
Last year, Perez Hilton found out that, face-to-face, you can get your face rearranged for talking shit to a celebrity. Unlike his Internet beef with rapper Noreaga, which consisted of video sketches back and forth, he had a chance encounter with Black Eyed Peas front-man Will.i.am. He messed around and mistakenly thought that he could harangue Will.i.am like he was some Hollywood fruitcake, calling him a “faggot” and got fiyah knocked out of his ass!
Memo to Perez Hilton: Don’t get the Black Eyed Peas pop-rap fucked up! Will.i.am grew up in South Central, Los Angeles—the muthafuckin’ ‘hood!
See? That’s the difference between the Internet and real life street shit! I’m a faggot (lover) all day on the Internet, but a nigga ain’t gonna be (physically) disrespectful to my face—not without any repercussions. And I’m no strong nigga, but I’ll tell you just like Richard Pryor used to joke; “My finger is just strong enough to pull the trigger!”
Yet, still, I’d give a nigga a pass for calling me a faggot in the street because words don’t mean shit until a nigga violates my space.
Evidently, Will.i.am’s people weren’t as rational as I am.
Cardinal Rule #1—if dissing is your blogging modus operandi (way of doing shit), stay the fuck out of the public eye. Cardinal Rule #2—Roll with a posse or carry a weapon to defend yourself from a possible beat-down. (My hammer is like American Express—I never go out of town without it!)
First, it was hip-hop blogger DJ Vlad, who had the nerve to ask Rick Ross about his Correctional Officer past and took a hellacious asswhoopin’ for his journalistic faux pas and then Perez Hilton who got two-pieced by a Black-Eyed Pea goon who wasn’t feelin’ the faggot comment.
Bloggers gotta be smarter about their shit if they are of the dissing type—and like to be in the streets. Take Byron Crawford. I really enjoy reading his blogs. His writing acumen is top notch! The guy is hilarious, witty, clever, thought-provoking and no-holds-barred—no rapper, gay right’s freak (me!), radio jock or Jew is off limits from his use of his mama’s basement and computer. (I wonder does he pay rent to his parents. Maybe working at Wal-Mart and his website still doesn’t generate enough money to strike out on own his own?) The guy has found his calling. (Along with being the cupcake eating champion of the U.S.)
Unlike Perez Hilton, who loves to hang out and frequent celebrity hot-spots, bloggers like Byron Crawford dare not show their face in hip-hop circles for fear of getting P.H.’ed (Perez Hiltoned=beat the fuck up!). He is content to hide out in St. Louis and let his blog picture represent his gangsta.
The problem is—he’s a victim of his own genius! Dissing hip-hop personalities has given him the unofficial title “Most Hated Hip-hop Blogger.” Who hasn’t he shitted on in the hip-hop world? Bun B, Pimp C, DJ Kayslay, Kanye West, Lupe Fiasco, Rick Ross and every video vixen tryna do what they do—and of course, yours truly. But I gotta thank him for helping bring my ass out of obscurity and into the mainstream hip-hop conversation. Thanks for doin’ the ol’ man a favor!
The price for dissing rappers is a price that I’m not willing to pay—just to have people read my blog and then I’ve gotta be “incognegro” for my life’s sake. Don’t get me wrong! I’ve done my share of dissing rappers (40 Glocc, Trick Trick, Japcity) and am well aware of the repercussions should I meet one of these fine upstanding citizens in the street. Sometimes, we as bloggers, have to be the compass whereby we gage the actions and ignorance of these cats purporting to represent our culture. That is the extent of my dissing and I really shouldn’t call it dissing—but rather confronting some stupidity or coonery. Byron Crawford, on the other hand, is just straight disrespectful for blogging’s sake! But…
I still say that Byron Crawford is the best (most entertaining) hip-hop blogger on the Internet, however malicious his shtick is! What makes him funny is that he is a big-ole fat teddy bear who speaks in the gayest of tones, who’s shyer than shit—all the while carrying on the charade/façade that he’s tougher than leather. All of his gay dissing—don’t be surprised if we find out he’s really gay himself!
As blogging goes, I only have a few enemies, some real and some imagined (like Glock DeNiro at Hoodgrownonline.com). I stay in this nigga’s “supposed” hood (Harlem) on the regular and nobody’s ever heard of him, so I’m chalking Glock up as a blogger whose fictitious persona is that of an ignorant homophobe, whose life consists of going to jail and getting ass-fucked, swallowing hot loads of man milk and coming home and waiting with baited-cum-breath for my next blog to come out, so he can be the first to write “First!” and regurgitate his old washed-up ignorance with a foul comment, meanwhile, forgetting that, as a blogger, his job is to blog! (Can somebody please ghost-write for this nigga? He seems to be fresh out of ideas besides writing about me and my children. Lol!) Shout-out to Harlem World!
I’m the faggot advocate, but I can still roll with street certified niggas!
Why? Because I’m honest and don’t take defecations (shits) on people, just because it generates web hits. From where I stand, if most of your blogs are negative and “hate-filled” against hip-hop, perhaps this culture isn’t for you—if you can’t seem to pull anything good out of hip-hop, maybe you should explore Country & Western. And mos def, if you’re negatively blogging against hip-hop for shock value—keep your head down, your chin tucked, and your windows locked, because there’s a Kayslay/Bun B in every city! Otherwise, stay in your mama’s womb (basement) where it’s all warm and safe. Getting Perez Hiltoned on YouTube ain’t a good look!