Hey Douche-bag! This is a Friggin’ Library!
By Khalil Amani
It’s tough being without a home computer or a laptop! My home computer crashed and I’ve never owned a laptop. (Can you believe that? Me? A writer? The fuck!)
These days I’m at the public library on their time-allotted computer catching up on what’s going on in the hip-hop
world, looking at the flyest video vixens and doing all that important stuff that keeps a man going from one day to the next, like checking my Facebook, Myspace and Twitter pages to say “hi” to my haters
up on world news, the economy, American Idol and Bin Laden.
Right about now I’m really missing my pr0n stars, but I’d go to jail if I accessed Naughty America
on these public Internets.
You would think that people in the library would respect the time-honored code of silence, but some of these douche-bags just can’t shut the fuck up! Like, there’s this one middle-aged white guy that practically lives in the library. It’s bad enough that, of all the computers in that joint, I always find myself sitting next to him! The guy puts his headphones on and then spazzes out to Rock & Roll, singing loud enough that heads start to look at him in sheer disbelief. Like, dude, shut the fuck up!
One day he started singing out loud and drumming on the friggin’ table! It got so bad that I had to stand up, flail my arms to get his attention, look him in the eyes and lip-synch “Yo’ you’re too goddamned loud!”
He looks at me with a shit-eating grin and nods his head like what’s the problem? I was prepared to slap fire out his ass!
And then there’s these two black kids—one about 15 years old and the other about 13 years old. These kids live in the library, not to educate themselves, but to play those goddamned online games! The younger one, a fat sweaty kid, who looks like he has an aversion to physical activity—his little fat stubby fingers clicking away a-mile-a-minute, as some creature runs across the screen—a foul-mouthed imp who curses worse than a sailor! I finally had to, for the sake of the grown women-folk in his earshot, look at him and tell him, “If I was your daddy I’d take you outside and beat yo’ ass for cursing in front of grown-folk! Do you talk that way in front of yo’ mama? Now quiet down!”
Oh yes I did!
Fat Albert looked at me all stunned like and rolled his eyes—but he quieted the fuck down!
The other guy that irritates me is this blaaaaaack
fucked-up dreadlock-wearing brotha who stinks to high-heaven and loves to laugh, as he watches videos. Like, sometimes I watch videos that are humorous too, but unlike him, I muffle my laugh because I am cognizant of the fact that there are people trying to study and read. But no! Rasta-man lets it all hang out!
And lastly, there are the cell phone users, the crying babies and the young adults who just like to talk in the library. Don’t they watch MTV
? Isn’t there a show on there where people win money for being quiet while doing stupidly funny or painful shit in the library? Even this old man has seen that show!
I guess I’m just venting because I can. I’m gonna buy me a laptop next month and get my home computer fixed so I don’t have to put up with the new loudest quietest place—the library, but until I do, “Hey douche-bag, shut-up! This is a friggin’ library!”