Hip-hop/Spirituality/Freethinking. Speaking for all underdogs!
Miley Cyrus: What’s Up Chicken-Butt?
By Khalil Amani
Unless you’ve been under a pop-culture rock you’ve seen twerk videos or chicks in clubs “twerking.” It’s a stripper dance/quasi-simulated sex movement using nothing but your butt and legs. Some women are so good at it that it begs the question, “Can she do this with a penis in her?”
With twerk dancing, the number-one prerequisite is you must have (or should have) a derriere, a gluteus maximus, a behind, a badonkadonk, an ass—booty! You must be toten-a-wagon! As the great ghetto philosopher Sir Mix-A-Lot once rapped, “I like big butts and I cannot lie!” Same here bruh!
The keywords for twerkin’ are “big butt”—or at the very least have nothing less than maybe a 36” bootay sitting on some nice legs. Having said that, have you seen former teen sensation Miley Cyrus—of Hanna Montana fame? She done put out a few videos twerking, but it all came to a head at this year’s MTV Video Music Awards where she rubbed her little chicken-butt all up on Robin Thicke’s crotch! (Does she know that Robin is married to a black woman with a phatty?) Oh you couldn’t tell her she wasn’t twerkin’ it out! Watching Miley work the twerk in a flesh-tone outfit (which gave the appearance that she was nude) while using a giant #1 hand-finger to grope Robin’s scrotum had the audience gasping.
Have you seen Miley’s flat ass? By Jove! She’s a carpenter’s dream—flat as a board! She suffers from that dreaded white girl disease (and some of you sistas have it too!)—“No-Ass-Attall!” My brother says she needs some Fix-A-Flat! Dayum!
But before I put Miss Cyrus under the literary bus—I really understand Miley Cyrus’s ratchedness and fixation with twerk dancing. I mean, like, who wants to forever be thought of as some sweet kid? (What a burden to carry through life!) Who wants to live in the shadow of their former self? She has gone above and beyond the call of duty to distance herself from her lily-white Hanna Montana girlhood. By twerkin’, Miley is excising the ghost of Hanna Montana and that all-American girl crappola. She does not want to be pigeon-holed or typecast. She wants us to know that she’s a woman, full of sexuality and sensuality—that she’s fucking! To put it bluntly, she’s on that nigga-shit!
But I’m not so worried about Miley. I’m more worried about all those millions of children who grew up watching her. She has traumatized many of them! Her twerkin’ is not only breaking dear ol’ dad’s “Achy-Breaky Heart,” but she’s doing irreparable damage to her fans from years gone by! I can only imagine, had my childhood lily-white, cute, adorable movie-star actress Shirley Temple started twerkin’! (God forbid!) I couldn’t fathom the thought of watching her go from tap dancing with Bill “Bojangles” Robinson to twerkin’ on James Brown’s crotch. I’d have to get me some Valium, Vicodin and Ritalin to keep me from spazzing out! Not Shirley Temple! Say it ain’t sooooooo! This has got to be tough for her adorning fans that grew up on her.
Let’s keep it real! Miley Cyrus doesn’t have the body to be twerkin’! She looks like a prepubescent tom-boy who just discovered her stank-box. She’s a chicken-butt Lolita (in porn “Lolita” is a euphemism for underage child porn.)
Hey! As Star (of Star & Bucwild) would say, “I’m a man of a certain age,” yet I can still appreciate a woman that can shake her money-maker! I still get it! But you have to have something to shake! I don’t know if Miley is auditioning for Chick-Fil-A, but her narrow chicken-butt is about to make some of the mooslim brothers start eating the other white meat! (Pork) Twerkin’ ain’t about “Buns of Steel!” Twerkin’ is about Jell-O ass, cellulite, adipose tissue, derrieres—fat asses, which we old-heads used to say, “It must be jelly, ‘cause jam don’t shake like that!” If I want chicken, I’ll go to Roscoe’s! I don’t wanna evaaar see Miley Cyrus Twerkin’! If you ain’t Beyonce’s “Bootylicious” keep your rattling bag of bones to yourself! I don’t wanna see your coccyx!
I get it! Twerkin' is what the young'uns do! I've seen it live! Watch here!
Miley Cyrus’s hiney looks like that whole chicken in your mama’s freezer!
They used to say, “Never trust a big butt and a smile,” but I’m gonna start saying “Never trust a skinny butt and a frown!” Like a cultural bandit—yea, an interloper, Miley Cyrus has robbed the ghetto of its ratchedness and made that shit chic before the world! Poor sistas can’t have shit! First, they bastardized the “Harlem Shake” and now this!
We’ve gone from the “Hottentot Venus” (aka Sara Baartman, the matriarchal African mother of video vixens and strippers, whose ass was so grotesquely voluptuous that white folk put her on display in Europe)—to Chicken-butt Miley! Is anything in black culture sacred?
The next skinny woman with no ass I see twerkin’ in the club—I’m gonna go to the trunk of my car and pull out my dusty fraternity paddle and come back in there and as soon as she “drops-it-like-it's-hot” I’m gonna light that ass up! I’ll prolly get steam-rolled by a few bouncers, but that’ll teach her! No twerkin’ if you have less than 36 inches of ass to bounce! Somebody please pass this PSA on to Miley. With love, your adopted black uncle.
What is it about Black Ass that I love so much? Could it be the firmness of its stride?
Maybe it's the form within a pair of jeans or the allure of an evening gown or the sassiness in a business suit or the shake in an old pair of sweat pants.
Or a whole lot of woman in some boy-shorts! Or a G-String wedged between cheeks.
Whatever it is, I love Black Ass!
Black Ass is Hottentot Venus epitomized!
Black Ass is a study in geometry!
Black Ass is poetry in motion!
Black Ass is the Law of Gravity defied!
Have you ever seen raw Black Ass?
Have you ever touched naked Black Ass?
Have you ever tasted melanized, African, gluteus maximus?
Grown, mature, sweaty, glistening, oiled-down Black Ass by candlelight. Heaven!
Buns of Steel? Leave it for the Pink Toes.
Give me that round mound, that junk-in-a-trunk, that toten-a-wagon, that Black Ass!
Maybe that's why I love Black Ass so much! ....Hmmmm?
Khalil Amani is a blogger for AllHipHop. He also writes for DJ Kay Slay’s Originators Magazine & Straight Stuntin Magazine. Amani also writes for Hoodgrown, Maybach and Sext Magazines. He is the author of six books, including the ground-breaking book, “Hip-Hop Homophobes…” iuniverse.com 07). Amani is gay hip-hop’s self-proclaimed straight advocate. Visit The Coonerific One at http://www.khalilamani.ning.com Follow on Facebook/Twitter @khalilamani. Youtube @ yahweh 12 Khalilamani@yahoo.com