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"Taking the Kids Swimming: It's a Man Thang..."

"Taking the Kids Swimming: It's a Man Thang..."

By Khalil Amani

 

Boy do I love "taking the kids swimming!" It’s an activity I cherish just behind great sex, a restful night and good food! I think most men would agree that "taking the kids swimming" is an event that makes us feel better about ourselves and the world around us. "Taking the kids swimming" is an exercise in patience, because sometimes you can try "taking the kids swimming" and they just won’t jump into the water! Sometimes you have to force them into the water by using your stomach muscles and your butt muscles—yet sometimes they wanna jump in the water before you’re ready for them to play.

 

My bad! You thought I was tallumbout about spending time at the local swimming pool with my children? Hell naw! I’m tallumbout about pinchin’ a loaf—bombing the Tidy Bowl Man—stinking up the baff-room—defecating—doo-dooing—droppin’-it-like-it’s-hot—having a bowel movement—shitting!

A “Man Cave” would be our sacred den of pleasure, but since most homes aren't big enough for a man to have his own inside playground, the bathroom becomes a man’s most private and worshiped place of peace. Other than the aforementioned pleasures (sex, sleep & food), taking a dump is a man’s most pleasurable moment. It’s no coincidence that men sit on the toilet for extended periods of time, while women drop a load and beez out with the quickness!

 

Take my wife for example! I can’t honestly say when the last time I saw her riding the Porcelain Pony (da toilet!) for an extended period of time. I never know if she’s shitting or peeing because, as we all know, women squat to do #1 and #2. My wife is in-and-out before you can say, “Shazzam!” Is this true of your woman? The toilet is an anathema to women---damn near like Kryptonite---a device that necessitates releasing the body's waste. (We won't even mention taking a boo-boo in a public restroom for women! Take me home!) They just don’t like sitting and shitting! The only time women spend a lot of time in the bathroom is when they're doing their hair and make-up and primping in the mirror. I just thank God that we have two bathrooms and my master bathroom has double sinks! (Stay on yo' side, woman!) 

This picture below? Some straight bullshit! Women do not read while sitting and peeing or shitting! I ain't never seen't my wife (and I've been married four times!) or any chick with a magazine in the crapper! (But damn, she's hawt though!)

 

But men?

 

Give me a good book or magazine or my cellphone when I have to really blow it up! I’ll sit my fat ass on the toilet and take “courtesy flushes” so that the stinch doesn’t permeate throughout the house, but really, I mean, really, I don’t stink most of the times, because my bowels are so regular. I don’t give my dookie time to marinate all up in my intestines. Waste flows through my duodenum faster than you can say, "Exlax!" Being undiagnosed lactose intolerant—by the time I eat a bowl of milk-soaked cereal and go to work—by 11:06, I have the bubble-guts and be needing to release myself! Of course, at work I have to hit-it-and-quit-it, but in the privacy of my home? Maaaaan! I’ll sit my derrière on the toilet until my legs fall asleep!

In the last six months I've found a wonderful laxative, if you will. Drinking coffee on the way to work. By the time I get to work, that coffee has softened up my stool and to the baffroom I go and damn near as smooth as soft ice cream, out it comes! 

 

Of course, there are different levels of bowel movements—the most pleasurable being when you start feeling your feces knocking on your ass’s door---what they call, "Prairie Doggin’”---minutes before you actually release the kids. You can bet that you'll be in there for a minute, just savoring the moment!

 

Sitting on the toilet allows a man to think. If we aren’t thumbing through the sports page of last week's newspaper or scrolling down our cellphones, we are comtemplating the Universe in all of its splendor. And sometimes, if the funk has reared its ugly head we'll be thinking, “What the fuck did I eat for lunch?” as we reach for the Lysol air freshener.

 

Don’t evaaaaar take it for granted when you see your man close the bathroom door. Private time, it is, but more importantly, he’s enjoying a pleasurable moment betwixt he and his sphincter muscle. "Taking the kids swimming" is a man thang!—No women allowed!

Khalil Amani is"Gay hip-hop's Straight Advocate." A Miami native who writes for Allhiphop.com, DJ Kay Slay’s Straight Stuntin Magazines. He’s been featured in L.A. Times, Miami New Times, Miami Herald, Thump/Vice/Noisey.com, Forward, Spin Magazine, DaveyD.com, DJ Kay Slay's Streetsweeper Sirius XM Radio Show, The Opperman Report, Sa NeterTV, CBS's, "West 57th Street" (1988), The Biography Channel's, "I Survived a Cult" (2010), The Biography Channel's, "Escaping Evil: My Life in a Cult" (2013) and 2018's, ID (Investigation Discovery) Channel in conjunction with People Magazine "Cults." Look for upcoming features on Mr. Amani in February 2019 on Oxygen Channel and People Magazine! Amani is the author of seven books, including the groundbreaking“Hip-Hop Homophobes...” (iuniverse.com ’07). Amani majored in English and Black Studies at San Diego Mesa College and the University of Nebraska. Follow on IG @khalil_amani, Facebook, Twitter @khalilamani. Email @khalilamani@yahoo.com

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