The Khalil Amani Reader

Hip-hop/Spirituality/Freethinking. Speaking for all underdogs!

When Jesus Said the Darnedest Things!
By Khalil Amani


I know I can say/write some of the most darnedest things—outlandishly funny or foul and sometimes venomous as a cobra’s bite! But Jesus—he could say some ish that was so profoundly over-the-top, that people would either think he was crazy or truly sent “From on High.”

What amazes me most is that you really never hear or read some to the stuff Jesus purportedly said. The calm stuff—the love thy neighbor—turn the other cheek—the beatitudes—all wonderful universal teachings, which Jesus spoke to help further human interaction in the love of God.

But on the other hand—Jesus could say some things that were—how should I say this and keep in good graces with my Christian brethren?—Fucked up!

Let’s get right to it!

There’s an interesting story in the book of Matthew where Jesus has a “run-in” with some Gentile chick, a non-Jewish woman. The story goes as follows:

"A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is suffering terribly from demon-possession." Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, "Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us." He answered, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel." The woman came and knelt before him. "Lord, help me!" she said. He replied, "It is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to their dogs." "Yes, Lord," she said, "but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table." Then Jesus answered, "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted." And her daughter was healed from that very hour." (Matthew 15:21-28)

On the surface, this story is quite disturbing! Did Jesus just call this woman a “dog”—a female dog? (A bitch?) It would seem so! Not only did he call her a dog, but she cosigned her status in the social pecking-order-of-the-day by saying, “Yes Lord, but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters’ table.”

Has your preacher taught/preached on these scriptures? Probably not! In short order, non-Jews were referred to as “dogs” back-in-the-day (and later, Goyim)—kinda like black people were called “niggers”—you know! I know you thought Jesus was above name-calling, but here he is (according to your Bible) calling this woman out of her name—totally buying into the second-class citizenry of Gentiles in the eyes, minds and hearts of the Jewish nation.

And although this story has a feel-good ending when Jesus consents to healing this dog’s woman’s daughter (allegedly because of her faith), it should still raise at least one eyebrow. This is just one blip on first-century name-calling! How many more people did Jesus call a bitch female dog? Do you really think this is an isolated incident? Hell-to-the-naw! This was the popular Jewish lingo of the day. And then we get mad when we hear rappers calling women bitches! I’m tellin’ you—Jesus could say the darnedest things!

“I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one!”—Jay-Z

The other interesting thing is that, contrary to Christians belief that Jesus came for EVERYBODY—Jesus says, “I was only sent to the House of Israel.” (The Jews) After reading this, it would seem to take an amazing amount of historical gymnastics to make the Jesus of history a personage who was interested in the salvation of all humanity, but, nonetheless, the scholars of Christianity converted the Jewish messiah’s message of Jewish posterity into a world-wide movement—taking it out of the hands of those first century Jews and transplanting it to the very descendants of the dog/gentile/woman whom Jesus dissed—those latter Roman “dogs” (Gentiles).

I’m tellin’ you—Jesus could say the darnedest things!

Remember when Jesus first came on the scene—turning water into wine? Check out how he addressed his mama!

“…there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee; and the mother of Jesus was there: And both Jesus was called, and his disciples, to the marriage. And when they wanted wine, the mother of Jesus saith unto him, ‘They have no wine.’ Jesus saith unto her, ‘Woman, what have I to do with thee? Mine hour is not yet come.’” (John 2:1-3)

When was the last time you called your mother—the woman that birthed you—WOMAN? Is this another first-century Jewish colloquialism? Evidently so, but I bet everything I’ve got that a black child WILL NOT call his/her mother “woman!” You’ll find yourself picking up your dental off the floor! Lol!

I’m tellin’ you—Jesus could say the darnedest things!

Another time Jesus totally disowns his moms! Check it!

“There came then his brethren and his mother, and, standing without, sent unto him, calling him. And the multitude sat about him, and they said unto him, ‘Behold, thy mother and thy brethren without seek for thee.’ And he answered them, saying, ‘Who is my mother, or my brethren?’ And he looked round about on them which sat about him, and said, ‘Behold my mother and my brethren! For whosoever shall do the will of God, the same is my brother, and my sister, and mother.’” (Mark 3:31-35)

In theory, I understand the point he was trying to make, but would any of us, in today’s world have the balls to disown family members to prove our undying loyalty for a religious cause? Can you imagine a preacher today saying, “Who is my mother?” before his congregation as she sits in a car outside.

I swear! Jesus could say the darnedest things!

How about the time when one of Jesus’ disciples wanted to bury his father and Jesus wasn’t having it:

“And another of his disciples said unto him, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. But Jesus said unto him, ‘Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.’” (Matthew 8:22)

How would you fare if this happened to you today? What if Jesus told you to forgo burying your loved one? Would you have the discipline, loyalty, and blind obedience to let your mentally dead people bury your physically dead father? Jesus wasn’t playing with his followers!

Jesus could say the darnedest things!

Jesus could get his gangsta on! I mean, this cat was on some tyrannical/medieval type ish! You don’t believe me? Listen to him speak on his ruler-ship and those that reject him.

“But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me.” (Luke 19:27)

Talk about “turning the other cheek!” Jesus wants your head on a platter if you don’t accept him as your ruler! And some of you say Islam is violent. Hmmm?

Speaking of violence—Jesus wasn’t immune from putting his foot up someone’s ass either!

“And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves…” (Matthew 21:12)


Do you think these people went quietly and willingly? If you do, then you don’t understand the climate of first century Palestine! Jesus had to put hands on folk! The operative word here is that Jesus had to “CAST” them out of the temple—a physical act of removing someone from the premises. And he went further than that! He was throwing shit all over the place—in a rage over how they have mistreated the House of God. Just picture Jesus throwing chairs and upending tables. Oh man, what a scene!

Another alarming Jesus quote: "Think not that I am come to bring peace on earth. I come not to bring peace, but a sword." (Matthew 10:34)

So the next time you see or hear some outrageousness think about Jesus—think about his humanity and how he “lost it” on a few occasions and had to Rambo a mofo. The next time you hear a rapper rhyming “witch” and “bitch”—think about Brother Jesus and the Gentile woman that he referred to as a “dog.” Thank you Jesus for letting some of us see your humanity!

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Comment by Lisabeth on November 25, 2013 at 10:15pm

Well now,,,Jesus could say the darnedest things indeed.
I've often wondered about the 'dog' reference,,,
Excellent write!!!
I'm thinking I've read this before and was a bit too inebriated to appreciate it that time,,, ;o)

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